How to use a bidet

Have you ever been to a hotel (particularly in Europe) and been confused by the fact that there were two toilets? Closer examination, for the brave, will show you that while it looks like a toilet, the other 'contraption' is in fact bidet. The word bidet means pony in French - the idea is that as you ride a pony, then you also 'ride' this contraption.

A bidet is simply a basin that can be used to clean your bits after you've done your business. Some actually think it's very nice of the hotel to provide a drinking fountain next to the toilet – but I wouldn't drink from it if I were you!

So now that you know that the second toilet is in fact a bidet, what do you do now?

Well getting down to the nitty gritty, you will have to 'go to the loo' or 'use the bog' first. I'm hoping that you know how to do this! The idea of the bidet is to assist you in cleaning AFTER toilet use. You can use toilet paper at this point if you prefer, but it isn't actually necessary.

One important point here is that you should remove your pants and underwear – while this may seem strange, hopefully it will make sense in Step Two.

The first thing you want to do is straddle the bidet. This is actually a lot more difficult than it sounds. Essentially you can face any way you want, but I'd advice at least facing the controls. As you are straddling the bidet, then I hope you followed my suggestion in Step One about removing your pants and underwear – if not then you either have very wet pants now, or you've fallen over – I did warn you.

You should also check the general configuration of the bidet before you use to make sure you are standing in the optimum position.

Important Note: If you've never used a bidet before, it may be a good idea to actually try the controls of the bidet before you go to the bathroom. This will help you avoid soaking yourself, the bathroom and quite possibly the bathroom ceiling. BIdets are very simply to use, but it's better to be safe than sorry!

Most bidets allow you to vary the flow and the temperature of the bidet. Slowly turn on the hot water, and then use the cold water so that you reach a conformable temperature. I would suggest you test the temperature with your hands not your bits!

If you didn't try out the controls before using the bidet be vary careful – the jets can be quite high powered. Personally I'd place my hands over the jets before turning them on – this way you can get an idea where the jets will be going, how hot the water is and how powerful the jets are – of course if you want a full shower, ignore the advice!

With the correct position you now should have a gentle stream of water moving over your bits. Wash yourself as if you were in a shower – you can use soaps if you wish too. If you haven't used toilet paper (you can do that too if you want in step 1!) then you will want to ensure you clean thoroughly to ensure proper hygiene.

If you're lucky enough to be in a top hotel, then the bidet may have a built in air-dryer, otherwise simply pat yourself down with a towel or toilet paper.

It's always best to rinse the bidet and then wash your hands after using a bidet.